"We were both silent, each waiting for the other to speak, but speech is not the only means of understanding between two souls. It is not the syllables that come from the lips and tongues that bring hearts together. There is something greater and purer than what the mouth utters. Silence illuminates our souls, whispers to our hearts, and brings them together. Silence separates us from ourselves, makes us sail the firmament of spirit, and brings us closer to Heaven; it makes us feel that bodies are no more than prisons and that this world is only a place of exile."
my brother is the person who has made my life a living hell for sooo many years, I threw my own little party when he graduated military school and left for the army. BUT now, in all of his lovely ways, he managed to get kicked out of the army and is being sent home. The last time we spoke things ended in an explosion, the two of us about to make our fight physical. Im not sure what to do, my dad and my brother are the two people in my life who I will do anything to avoid. And one of them is on a flight home, with plenty of rage and I, his personal punching bag, have nothing I can do to avoid the hell that is to come. Its just life throwing something else at me on such an already awful day.
Every night at this time my body tells me it’s tired, but I know I have to stay awake.
If I stay awake I force myself into exhaustion, which leaves no energy for my body to waste on dreams. It’s just enough sleep to add to a cup of coffee and make it through the day. I sleep so little my mind has no time to reach the REM stage which allows you to dream. Meaning I allow my mind no time to form nightmares. These January days, each and every year, are the hardest to stay awake. The more I am awake the more I remember, but the more I sleep the more I re-live. If only this clock could go faster and I could reach the end of this month. If only to fight the demons of the next.
There is a voice inside of me, but I can’t form the right words to say, to really explain the horror of my past. My heart, it bleeds for some kind of peace, some kind of rest. I refuse all promises, all hope. I crave for trust. I want to have faith in people again. My walls, so high, no man could…